Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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