Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
