This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I would fuck him just for his dog
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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