so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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