I want to stick my p in your. b.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
