I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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