I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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