Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he fucked my hip out of place.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
