This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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