I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i need some magic done to my vagina
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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