Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
