There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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