I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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