Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
