i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I lost the right to judge tonight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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