organizing the empties. That sober.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
