His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
