you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
