do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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