Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
