i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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