I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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