Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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