i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize