I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
