I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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