my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
