He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
