Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
