So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am naked and annoyed.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
