They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
