why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
