So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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