i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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