Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
