I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
