Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
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Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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