My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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