oh god the rape fog is back!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
