im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
