I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
