just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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