I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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