i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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