Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
