Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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