When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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