Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish I only lived at night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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