Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
