he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
