does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
