Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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