Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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