When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it because I queefed?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
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would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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